Be honest, how long did the resolutions last before the stress kicked in and the post festive blues began to dampen your spritely New Year mood? For me, it was once the beautiful calm of New Years Day passed, the Pinot Grigio lifted and real life came flooding back. Deadlines, writing, e-mails, and all that jazz was swimming and circling in an effort to make the tides rise and make my treading water become more of a drowning effort. But, we made it through. We are a week in and we have survived.
Monday’s have been trained to be our least favourite day of the week and so today, as I sit in my pyjama’s way past the acceptable time, as the fire spits, the cat snoozes on one side and the dog on the other, I have found the best way to tackle this weekly burden by diving into a self care dream. That’s even before I have the bubble bath after lunch to warm up from the biting frost that has carpeted the scene outside.
Yesterday I completed a mamouth task, I finished my research dissertation. All eight thousand words of it. Honestly, I never thought I would reach that magnificent moment of uploading the document and bidding goodbye as it goes off to my Supervisor to be marked. It’s letting free a bird that you’ve been nurturing and caring for from the moment it hatched and now you have to trust that your maternal duties have paid off as it goes wild.
It’s almost as if a veil has lifted from my eyes and that cloud of smoke that has been obscuring my vision of hope and ambition is beginning to come clear. I’m starting to almost see purpose and drive and that faraway feeling of planning ahead is returning to me. Except, I’m not out of the woods yet. I still have two more assignments to hand in before next week and an exam in exactly seven days, not that I’m counting down. But, I have to remain positive. My pick is sharpened and slowly I’m chipping at the block of ice that hinders me from taking the next step forward.
Other exciting prospects are that despite my state of unemployment, I have been offered a vountary role as a Correspondent for PsychReg and have vowed to myself to complete weekly submissions so as to entertain me whilst endlessly filling out job application forms and updating my CV. I have never been jobless since I was sixteen except for a brief period at University, so now eleven years later to suddenly be without a role, it’s a little intimidating and anxiety inducing. However, thanks to the support from my family it is giving me great opportunity and time to finally pull together all the strings and hopefully set off on my PhD journey from September.
The other day we went a walk at one of my Dad’s favourite haunts. It was bitterly cold, the ground was muddy and at first it felt distant. That was until I turned a corner and the beautiful low winter sunlight streamed across the lake and warmed my face. I couldn’t help but remember the sweet memories of sitting on a bench in that very sun with Dad by my side, his eyes closed, basking in the glorious feeling of light across your face. At this moment my heart finally felt full, the grief was waning and I realised that finally, I had stepped from my own darkness, into the light of the future.