I’ve been thinking a lot about what I could share here, I adore writing but have a tendency to go through blips of intense desire followed with a dull hatred of anything that comes from within. However, I have a habit of not following things through and as I get older, I’m beginning to dislike this quality and how it impacts my world. Always starting with enthusiasm and passion, finishing in disappointment and that stubborn acceptance I have that I’m no good at finishing things. I want to achieve, I feel I might deserve it, but the only way that is going to happen is through introducing discipline and the need to push through.
Monday, last week, felt like a turning point. I was facing the end of my studies with the thing I dreaded most, exams. And it was all tied up in a subject and a skillset that no matter how much I read, wrote or practised, none of it was going in. This one exam was beginning to throw me completely off my step and it was a wakeup call that I was reaching that all familiar brick wall of where I usually resign and give up because it’s all gotten too hard. No endless amount of google searches, idiot guides or even time felt enough and my insides were twisting in fear that this was it. This was going to be something else that I would fail at.
And then, something incredible happened. Sunday night, Mum had gone to bed, all televisions and radios were off and I was sat in the silence of my own befuddlement at grasping to anything that made sense. I stumbled across a tutorial on a website designed for Undergraduate students and everything seemed to fall into place. Within an hour, I was finally writing things that before were completely and ludicrously alien to me. I had finally understood what all these scientific notions were and this exam was less of a dread, and becoming more of something I think I could manage.
Needless to say, I was still terrified going in, sitting down at the desk and looking up to see a humongous daunting clock that would tick away two hours of torture. Ever since my younger days at school I have been no good in these conditions, I get anxious, forgetful and everything I’ve worked so hard at seems to slip out my ears. But, I turned the first page, read the question and one by one worked through them. They were by no means perfect, in fact probably like reading an idiots guide to statistics, but I answered every question with some degree of confidence.
Leaving that hall was the highest of highs. I could have punched the air and kicked up my feet that something so difficult, was something that I had found the strength and perseverance to break through. It’s given me incredible knowledge that maybe I don’t have to be the person that gives up, I can be the person that fights and the person that achieves. As I write this I am going to finish off my last two assignments and by Thursday (last week to you all reading), everything for my Masters will be done. Assuming I’ve passed, it’s another tick under my belt and something, despite everything, I finished at.
Things are still up ended, I’m still endlessly (and desperately) searching for work and worrying about the immediate future of how I am going to support myself. But, I am incredibly grateful and thankful to the people who have got me here. It’s of course bittersweet to have reached this point without Dad here to witness it, but I know he’s around. And wherever he is, I know he’s raising his pint of Guinness for me. Because it was all for him in the end, and everything going ahead, will be. His strength and bravery in the face of death is something I can never forget, and his spirit will help me build that resistance to never give up in the face of a challenge or that old brick wall.