I guess the only emotion I can feel right now is anger. And I hate it. I’ve never been one to want to feel such intense negativity, the fact that I’ve struggled with my emotions for long enough is a sign that anything extremely elevated beyond content is a burden on my mental wellbeing. I feel anger at certain people and the controlling effect they hold on my life and anger at people who disappear and don’t step outside their own bubbles to consider the upset that I’m currently faced with.
And then I feel guilt of my selfishness, of my expectation that people will want to support me. I guess, I just finally feel that isolation and loneliness since Dad passed. He was my rock, my best friend and someone I just felt so easy to be in company with. Like me he didn’t want to put himself on people too much, so we came together to give each other confidence to live the lives we felt we deserved. And now he’s gone, I’m back struggling with my own identity and all the while feel I’m paddling solo in the middle of a large ocean with no hope of shore.
It is with this decision that I’ve decided to remove myself from online presence with the exception of this blog and other writing commitments such as PsychReg. I guess I feel an intense stabbing pain of hurt when I scroll through feeds and see others living with such vigour and happiness, whilst in return I feel at a loose end and my ball of wool unravelling faster than I can hold onto. In essence, I need to protect my mental happiness and to do so is to disappear and find hope in things that I can enjoy within my own company.
I have to remind myself that I am blessed in so many ways, I have the one best friend who has been in my life far longer than I can remember and she is my sister and listening post, but support and guidance in so many ways. To have this one friend is something I’d rather live with than a plethora of people of who I feel disconnected to. I have also made good friends online but feel a burden to them and do not desire to fill social media feeds with negativity to taint their precious world when they alone are striving to reach for their own happiness.
All in all, I think I’m just a loose ebb in my life. I feel, lost. I even dreamed last night of dying and felt a strange relief in my letting go because I felt my spiritual self would find my Dad and everything would be happy. Now as I look back I realise the danger of such subconscious thoughts and so need to work on getting better again, to make my dreams filled with ambition and joy for my future life yet to live. I’ll continue posting here, I’ve found a love for this outlet which sits behind 280 characters and where there is less pressure that someone may twist your words.
I know it will get better. I just have to find a way and give myself some time.