I’m actually writing this on the day last week’s post went up, the night after I wrote that piece confronting the fact I had returned to a dark place and was beginning to fall into the world of self-harm again. I don’t mean to write about such sensitive matters to invoke sympathy or distress, but because I need to be honest in the life that I’m living at the present moment. I always want to make it clear that in no way am I suicidal, for someone who has lived most of their life idolising death, right now I’m not looking for a way out, but merely an answer in how I can move forward and live. It’s like some bizarre purgatory of moving from being one person to the next and in the essence of moving forward. I feel I need to forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made and seek forgiveness for the way I have behaved, not only in the past but in the way I am now by pushing people away and allowing myself to become entombed in the selfishness of my grief.
Growing up wasn’t easy in a social sense because I know I have always lived with anxiety and fear that is deep rooted in me. I was always bigger than everything else in size, awkward and preferred to be in the classroom than to be in the playground. The few times from childhood through teenage into adulthood at college, the few friends I made in my local environments seemed to prey on me and I couldn’t handle their tactics or their bullying ways which made me feel vulnerable and isolated. Those feelings of upset and hurt have obviously followed me through that I look back to my actions and realise that I’ve lived by the wrong rules, to cut them off before they can hurt me. In essence, I’ve hurt people by deliberately saying malicious and upsetting things because I would rather be the bad guy than be the person who is once again preyed upon. I didn’t recognise that instead I was turning my fear into hatred and passing my feelings of hurt onto someone else who would become so blindsided by my actions.
Being the youngest of three, I guess I’ve always felt like life is a competition and not being very competitive, despite wanting the wish of being number one, it’s inevitable that someone else takes the glory. I have great ambition that is never followed through because I find one excuse after another, and now approaching my thirties, I feel deep regret that I behaved so immaturely in my attitude to how I wanted to live. I always dreamed of independence, of being a homeowner by myself, of being financially secure and in a job that I enjoyed. For the past six years I’ve gone off road and now find myself lost in some forest with no breadcrumbs to guide me back to who I was. And I feel that is where me depression is rooted from, not just the grief that I am facing, but the fact I don’t want to be the person I was and yet I don’t know how to move forward.
Before I take those tentative steps leading to a new clearing, I need to seek forgiveness from those I have hurt, those I have pushed away and am still doing because I don’t know how to let people in and be vulnerable around them. And I need to forgive those have hurt me by doing the same, or by being careless of my emotions and my needs. I’m making a pact with myself today, no more self-harming. Twice was enough to realise it doesn’t fix anything, but merely moves the pain from one area to another. I need to remember and believe in the courage that my Father had that even when he was staring death in the face, he kept shuffling forward and he learned how to lean on people when it became too much.
I have to believe that this situation is a blessing from spiritual force that is trying to teach me a great lesson. I can be strong enough but it means I have to try harder. I can achieve my ambitions but it means I have to keep going despite the struggle. I can be number one if I want but it’s also perfectly acceptable to rest in a place I am comfortable with and not have to be the best when I realise it may be too out of reach. I can have all those wishes, but it’s baby steps. Someday sooner or later, I may not even know but I’ll look into my mind’s eye and realise I’m no longer in the woods, but through the other side. My incredibly awful teens and twenties will be behind me and they no longer have to haunt or control the person I am. We control our future, we control the person we want to be, and we control any changes that can determine our direction. I have to believe in this mantra, and I have to take it with me as I step through the forest, into the unknown.