Having dealt with serious illness and the notion of an ever-decreasing quality of life, everything else around you can become rather trivial and a little, I guess pointless. Only now am I realising that there’s where some of the anger rises in me and it’s something I’m struggling to control. As much as I want the distraction and the structure, being around people who bemoan everyday simple little things, I can’t help but feel completely disconnected and frustrated at their naivety. Although it does invoke guilt because it may all be a brave face for their own pain, though regardless of this it still bothers me.
How can I explain it? I suppose perhaps it’s like having been in a war seeing death and destruction and you come home to find a mass of people moaning that they can’t be bothered to do the washing up. You want to scream at them. How can they be so blind to real struggle and how can they focus so much energy on something that in the grand scheme of things, will be completely forgotten about tomorrow.
It forges barriers between you and others, and it’s not that you are forcing it to happen, it’s something subtle that makes you feel like an outsider before you’ve even tried to make nice with people. You don’t want to be angry and you don’t want to feel this pain, but in that moment nothing else matters. You’ve been down a road you cannot return from and it’s the age-old adage of standing in a crowded room, screaming for help and no one is even blinking in your direction. Isolation plays a key role in bereavement I find.
Perhaps that’s why I’ve carried on this path of dealing with lung disease and a move into healthcare because I’ll feel a part of a community that is all dealing with pain, loss, suffering and not at the hands of something trivial, but at something very real and damaging. I’ll feel the same struggle as them and I want to use my experience to somehow make it better, even if it’s just giving them someone to talk to or confide in.
The real mind melter is that I have a six-month gap between now and my studies start, and in that time, I have to earn money and I have to encourage myself to break down these barriers and try to become at the very least, healthier and somewhat happier. Yesterday it threw it down with rain all day and more than anything I wanted to curl up into a corner and sleep, but I didn’t. I overcame that initial urge and managed to get out to work which wasn’t so bad, though I know I was falling into old habits of wanting to keep my head down and get on with it.
I’m just impatient that I want my life to start now. I don’t want to wait but if there’s anything I’ve learned in life is how precious time is and what a mistake it is to wish it away. So maybe add learning a little patience alongside health and happiness on my learning curve over the next six months. Patience, health, happiness and an answer to understanding how to step out of that cage of grief.