Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here and a few weeks ago I had a big clearout of some of the most recent blogs I uploaded. In a nutshell, I needed time. Starting a new job has been really tough on me and my day to day mental health, I wish I could say it was improving but having been bunged up with a cold for nearly four weeks, I think everything about my body and mind is at its lowest ebb right about now. I felt incredible guilt but I was exhausted and needed a break from writing so heavily about something which has in effect, traumatised and stunned me from the inside out. As much as I wish to help people, my heart hurts too much right now and instead I want to focus on raising awareness in a way that won’t leave me feeling so drawn out and empty.
Going back to some sense of “normality” has shown how much healing I still need to do. My confidence, self assurance and willingness to speak is lower than I feel I’ve ever felt. Being in a full time job, painting a picture of happiness and trying to move forward is essentially the easiest way to burning yourself out. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about Dad and everything we went through in the past few years, it’s just I can’t in fear of ripping open that wound and pushing myself to a portal of grief where I feel I can’t pull myself out again.
Everything right now is temporary. From September I’m going back to University and I’m training up to be something I wanted to years ago but didn’t have the self belief that I could. It’s still in medicine and health so there’s always the option of returning to research in the future, but right now I know I need a clean slate to figure out who I am on my own two feet than to feel obscured by the responsibilities I felt at raising awareness of the struggle my Dad and so many others have faced. In essence, a year has nearly passed and not much has changed for me in a lot of ways. I feel lost, tired and just a shadow of the person I really want to be. So this blog and my writing commitments have taken a backseat for the timebeing.
Thanks for your patience dear readers.